Every once in a while, you come across a film that can surprise you. One that can make you laugh, cry, and even gush with emotion over what kind of an experience it can give you. The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2 is that kind of film for me. It is rich in such quality and such happiness that it fills me up every time I watch it. Oh, do you guys think I liked this film? Well...
I HATED IT! I HATED EVERY SINGLE GODFORSAKEN SECOND OF THIS STEAMING PILE OF DONKEY SHIT! NOTHING IN THIS FILM IS REDEEMABLE! NOTHING IN THIS FILM IS ACCEPTABLE EVEN BY DISNEY SEQUEL STANDARDS! THIS FILM DESERVES TO BE STUDIED FOR HOW AWFUL A FILM CAN BE AND HOW IT CAN MAKE EVEN SOMETHING LIKE THE ROOM ENJOYABLE! THIS FILM SHOULD BE DESTROYED, AND EVERYONE WHO WORKED ON THIS FILM, THE ACTORS INCLUDED, SHOULD ALL BE SMACKED IN THE FACE WITH A METAL POLE!
Plot: It's Paris's equivalent of Valentines Day! Everyone has to find someone to love and they'll profess their love for each other while the bell "La Fidele" rings on. While now accepted by the people, Quasimodo still lives in the Bell Tower, occasionally visited by Phoebus and Esmeralda's son Zephyr.
The Circus comes to town, led by the con artist Sarouche and his beautiful assistant Madeleine. Quasimodo is immediately smitten with the girl, while it naturally takes time for the girl to get past his gruff exterior ( a whole two scenes). Sarouche sees this as a golden opportunity to steal the bell, because it is apparently worth a fortune. Naturally, every romantic cliche ensues, from the date in the rain to the misunderstanding. But the couple pulls together to save the day. Joy. Just F#$#ING DANDY!
What's Wrong?: Remember when I said that every act in The Little Mermaid 2 needed to be questioned? Here, it's every solitary second. The opening of the film (Walt Disney Pictures logo and everything) opens like some cheesy Christmas Special with happy bells of joy ringing. DOES THAT SOUND AT ALL LIKE THE ORIGINAL FILM OPENED?
While Quasimodo is accepted by the public now, WHY THE HELL DOES HE REMAIN IN THE BELL TOWER? LIVE YOUR LIFE, DUDE!
(In order to save time and lives, here's a list of things that I hate and despise about this movie:
1. Why the hell is Demi Moore reprising her role?
2. Why is Phoebus, the only person who uses his head in this film, the only person who gets called a racist and thickheaded jerk?
3. Why the hell is Jennifer Love-Hewitt in this movie?
4. Does Tom Hulce or Haley Joel Osmont put this on their resume?
5. The animation makes Scooby Doo look like Howl's Moving Castle
6. The songs make me want to spew blood.
7. Why is the villain of this movie a downgrade from most villains in Adam Sandler movies?
8. Why is this villain allowed to exist?
9. Why isn't Frollo or somebody like Frollo in this movie?
10. When Phoebus and the Guards surround Sarouche and the dude shows that Zephyr is his hostage, why doesn't Phoebus or Esmeralda attack Sarouche, beat the crap out of him, and save their son? Is Frollo the only person who deserved their effort?
11. Why the Hell is Jennifer Love-Hewitt in this movie (not a mistake)
12. Why is the city of Paris suddenly downgraded to about 20 or 25 people?
13. How the hell does Sarouche and his men steal the bell anyway?
14. Why does Esmeralda only speak in metaphors and recounting what happened in the first film? Why does she try to make her husband sound like a racist prick and a new Frollo?
15. Haley Joel Osmont isn't saying "He sees Dead People" or anything Kingdom Hearts related
16. Where is Frollo when you need him?
17. Why is Quasimodo so quick to forgive Madeleine?
18. What about Quasimodo's kindness immediately makes Madeleine fall in love with him and I wish every freaking hot girl I knew had that power?
19. Why can I buy this movie but not Song of the South?
20. The gargoyles suck even more out of this movie than I thought possible
21. No epic Hellfire moment!
What's Good?: If you don't buy this DVD, you can save yourself from $10 to $20 dollars!
Overall: This movie...I can't even...I'm sorry...there is just so much putrid shit in this movie that I may not even be able to finish this...
Report Card
Hero: F
Heroine: F
Villain: F- - - -
Side Characters: F
Animation: F
Music: F
Story: F
Theme: F-
DO I EVEN HAVE TO ASK?
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