Film Review #35: Dinosaur

Until 2000, kids only knew about dinosaurs through either The Land Before Time movies or if our parents let us watch Jurassic Park.  And while the Land Before Time movies taught us good morals and lessons, they most certainly never taught much about dinosaurs.  So when I saw the trailer for this on my old Tarzan VHS, I was eager and excited to see and learn about all the different kinds of dinosaurs.  Even better, when I went to Disney World during February break that year, I went on that amazing Dinosaur ride, based on them movie.  And although I wasn't able to see it in theaters, my mom rented the movie for me from Blockbuster and I was ready for the film of a lifetime.  The result...was kinda iffy.

Plot: Without a word of dialogue, the opening of the movie sets the scene of a world of Dinosaurs.  An egg is nearly eaten by many various kinds of dinosaurs and birds, until landing on an island infested with lemurs. 

The lemurs raise the baby dinosaur, who they name Aladar (DB Sweeney).  One night, a meteor shower destroys the island and most of the lemurs, forcing Aladar and his family to migrate to the main land.  But the main land is suffering through a drought.  They meet many new friends, including elderly dinosaurs and the typical mating age dinosaur for Aladar named Neera, her brutish brother Kron, and many of the other carnivorous dinosaurs, from raptors to the powerful carnotaur.  Aladar must rally the dinosaurs together to find the last green place on earth before they all go extinct.

What's Bad?: Haven't we seen this kind of movie before?  Ya know, the outcast who rallies the others of his kind to find salvation?  The Moses story?  Almost every movie from Gladiator to The Prince of Egypt tell this kind of story.  But, like Egypt, you should be able to put your own spin on it, and I don't mean just by changing the setting or species.  For example, while Egypt did have this kind of story, they realized the focus of the story had to be on the relationship between Moses and Ramses.  Unfortunately, this movie doesn't take a new or creative spin on things, and should be the poster movie of the post-Lion King and pre-Iger Disney. 

Aladar isn't interesting, and neither are any of the other characters. 

What's Good?: The animation, especially in the opening, is breathtaking.  The idea of putting animated designs on live action backgrounds isn't a very new idea, but is still done very well here.  The opening itself should have won an oscar, and should be held in esteem with the best openings in Disney history.

Overall: While I can't say that I was amazed by this movie, it isn't an absolute disaster.  It's just disappointing.  You can see it if it interests you, but keep your expectations on ground level.

Report Card:

Hero:                                 B-
Heroine:                            C
Villain:                              C-
Side Characters:              C
Songs:                               N/A
Musical Score:                 B
Animation:                       A
Special Effects:                A
Themes:                            B-
Story:                                B-

Final Grade:                     C+
 

Film Review #34: Kickassia

I got into watching the Nostalgia Critic and the rest of Channel Awesome several years ago, and I haven't looked back.  Their comedy is some of the best on the internet and if any of you haven't seen their work, you don't know what you're missing.  Their first few years, Channel Awesome made anniversary videos that highlighted each of the contributors.  But starting in 2010, they decided to make movies.  The first was a mockumentary about the rise and fall of a micro-nation called Kickassia. 

Plot: Upon learning of the existence of a micro-nation called Mollosia (which is basically a house), the Nostalgia Critic (Doug Walker) declares to the leader of the country, Kevin Baa, that he intends to invade with an unbeatable army.  After Baa ignores him, the Critic rounds up as many of his friends as possible, including Linkara, Angry Joe, CinemaSnob, Nostalgia Chick, JewWario, and many others and attacks. 

Baa tricks the critics into thinking he isn't the real leader, instead revealing that the real leader fled and Molossia is theirs.  Renaming it Kickassia, the critics quickly go into their respective duties, with the NC being the President and the Chick is his very Sarah Palin-esque Vice President.  Quickly realizing that the country is running out of funds, CinemaSnob tries to talk to the critic, but he is too busy watching Hogan's Heroes to care.  The other critics learn that the NC has gone insane and power hungry, even buying a ton of dynamite to blow up the entire house in case his power is ever questioned.  After a failed attempt to overthrow him by using Dr. Insano and the death of Santa Christ, the critics gather their power to overthrow the NC. 

What's Bad?: The movie probably had a little too many cameos.  Some of the people, like Angry Joe and Jew Wario, have pretty much nothing to do with the overall plot.  So some of the characters could have been dropped.

What's Good?: For the budget restrictions they had on them, they did a pretty good job with both effects and acting.  It's an internet comedy, thus it is and as it should be.  Is it cheesy, yes.  But you know what?  They put their effort into it.  That gets a good grade in my book.

Report Card (NC Edition)

Use of Cameos:                       B-
Comedy:                                  A
Effects:                                    B
Acting:                                    B
4th Wall Jokes:                      B

Final Grade:                          B+

What Could Have Been #7: Nickelodeon!!!!!!!

We kids of the 90's and 2000's were the luckiest of in the world.  Disney was engaged in a renaissance, Nintendo was reaching new heights in technology, and there was a new network that was made just for kids: Nickelodeon.  Every show from Ren & Stimpy to Catdog had something great in it.  As the 2000's rolled in, even more shows came out that were awesome and well written if not well animated.  Jimmy Neutron, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Danny Phantom, and Spongebob were all beautifully crafted pieces of magic that gave Nickelodeon a fighting chance to dethrone Disney as the head of animation.  But at some point in the mid-decade, Nickelodeon collapsed completely.  Every show seen in the picture disappeared from air, and was replaced by continually more awful shows, even Spongebob was shattered by horrible new seasons.  What happened?  Was it as abrupt as we think, or was the decline in sight from back in the 90's?  Lets take a look at what happened to the greatness of Nickelodeon.

1. Butch Hartman's Stupidity and Lack of Vision

Butch Hartman got his start as an animator on multiple shows, including KaBLam! and Dexter's Laboratory.  He finally earned his chance to have one of his shows made on Nick, called The Fairly Odd Parents.  The show, about a ten year old kid with fairy godparents, is still one of the most successful shows in the channels history.  Timmy Turner faced off against an evil babysitter named Vicky, a slightly comedic and psychotic teacher Mr. Crocker, and many various magical creatures wreaking havoc in his hometown of Dimmsdale.  Hartman went on to write another hit show, Danny Phantom, which is still one of my favorite shows.  The show follows Danny, a fourteen year old with mysterious "ghost" powers, who defends the city of Amity Park from various ghouls and demons.

In 2006, the finale of Danny Phantom aired.  I was sad that they were ending a great show, but also happy with how they ended it, hoping that Hartman's next show would be an even bigger hit.  What did America get? 

Well, we got new episodes of The Fairly Odd Parents, but we could clearly see something was wrong.  Jokes were being reused every thirty seconds.  For example, in the episode "Fairly Odd Baby", Cosmo barfs on Timmy with this gross purple glop four times in a span of sixty seconds.  Also, the jokes were no longer centered around the whole family, but kids.  I mean, REALLY young kids.  The Crocker spaz outs became very numerous and predictable and the plot holes grew larger.  In the earlier seasons, it was established that if a child's fairies are revealed, they leave the kid forever and the child doesn't remember ever having them.  In these new seasons, Timmy's parents, friends, even Crocker learn that Timmy has fairies and yet they don't go away.  This completely stunts any growth Timmy is allowed to have in the series, as he continues to be a greedy, self-absorbed, brat of a kid who never learns fully from his mistakes, only wishing them away.

I figured for a while that Butch was away writing another great show, so he left Fairly Odd Parents to another group of idiots.  And when I heard that he had another show out, I was overjoyed.  Maybe this would be the show that  finally gets me happy with his shit.  What did we get?   
 
This abomination.  A show that not only reuses more jokes than Odd Parents, but also gave that untalented obnoxious moron Jerry Trainor work, when he should have been on the streets when Drake and Josh was cancelled.  Instead we get a show with a stupid premise, a stupid lead character, a stupid cast of villains and so many animal puns it makes Jafar's seem palatable.  The show follows a hyperactive dog and his overly bossy partner as they save Petropolis (BOO!!!!) from various villains, including a rat who lives with his mother, a chameleon with a transformation suit (who is too stupid to realize how truly powerful he could become with it), and others.  If this is how children's shows are going to be down the road, I'm never letting my kids watch a second of this shit.

 Oh, and I won't be talking about that piece of shit live action movie of The Fairly Odd Parents.  I don't think I have the strength to...yet.

2. Bye Bye Klasky-Csupo....

I guess the biggest thing was that we didn't think that Klasky-Csupo would get the boot from Nickelodeon.  The company is best known for their hit shows, including Rugrats, As Told By Ginger, Rocket Power, and The Wild Thornberry's.  Every single one of these shows was a smash hit, and were among the finest in the great era of cartoon shows. 

But one by one, these shows began disappearing.  Instead of coming home from school to watch Otto Rocket and his friends surfing and skating around their hometown, I got to watch Jamie Lynn Spears be a slut (we'll get to THOSE SHOWS later).  Gone are the days of nerdy girls who could talk to animals.  Gone are the days where a baby could go out and have adventures without being a retarded puff ball or having Seth MacFarlane's voice.  Only occasionally do we see a holiday special of these old shows, but even those are being replaced.  I know that childhood couldn't last forever, but at least keep them on late at night.  No one wants to see the same episodes of Friends or Yes Dear. 

3.  Hello Dreamworks?

In what I can only assume as a desperate tie-in towards the films' success, Dreamworks sent out a variety of shows based on their movies, three of which play on Nick, the last plays on Cartoon Network.  Ironically, the only really memorable of these shows is on CN.  The Penguins of Madagascar assassinates one of the best parts of an otherwise par movie, by following their story, a story no one really asked for or cared about.  The Penguins have apparently returned to the zoo (but since Madagascar 2 has them in Africa and 3 in Europe, I don't know when this takes place), along with King Julien, Maurice, and Mort.  They work their covert operations, ultimately causing more damage than preventing, making the aura of secret agent penguins completely obsolete.

Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness follows Po's story after the events of the second film, and introduces us to a wide variety of characters other than the Furious Five or Shifu.  And while it is better than Madagascar, it still isn't anything to brag about.  And since I never saw, nor have any interest in seeing Monsters Vs Aliens, I can only assume the show sucks since it's never been advertised. 

4.  WHO THE F*** IS GREEN-LIGHTING THIS SHIT?

It seems the only thing you need to create a Nicktoons show is"special white powder" and a straw.  Now, we can see Rocket Power rip offs trying to be hip (and failing miserably), robots wanting to destroy the NFL (I'm not kidding), and two hyperactive kids who try to con their way through life and have slushies. 

It begs one to raise the question, "Who is greenlighting this crap?"  Granted I know that 4Kids dubbed Yugioh! Zexal is horrible, but I'm talking about their original shows.  Who thinks these shows will be any good?  Who?  I want an answer damn it!

5. DAN F***ING SCHNEIDER!!!!

Now, I'll go more in depth on this "Hitler" of television in a later post (most likely around April), but this is a pretty big reason why Nickelodeon sucks.  All of Schneider's shows, from iCarly to Zoey 101, are horribly written and horribly acted shows about teenage cliches that no one really ever wanted to see.  Somehow, he still keeps getting paid to write crap from his ass, since back in the days of Full House.  These shows are what Nickelodeon is about, only gunning for teenage girls and little kids (just like Disney, except it hurts alot more).

6. The Silver lining

So long as Spongebob Squarepants and Avatar: The Last Airbender / Legend of Korra still air, Nickelodeon isn't completely dead.  Not yet, so they still can be saved.  We can still watch this channel without having to block the channel until 9 pm.

Return of the Jedi Syndrome

Let's face it guys, Hollywood is running out of original ideas.  It's going to be a very long time before we see another original story.  Gone are the days of Galactic Empires, of toys that come to life when the kids leave the room, or of cross-dressing dads trying to keep a relationship with his kids.  So as long as this era of sequels and prequels is upon us, I'd like to see a movie saga that got progressively stronger, giving the protagonist a challenge beyond the audience's comprehension, and giving us three dimensional villains that can grip our emotions.  Of course, since Hollywood only runs on the whims of Mr. Greenback, my dreams will remain on the shelf while hacks like Michael Bay continue to make bad movies that gross billions of dollars.  Series like Transformers, Ice Age, Madagascar, Shrek, and many others go on as they horribly destroy what made their predecessors good (or in Transformers case, just build onto more crap)

But then there are those film sagas that do meet my expectations, for a bit.  The first film, like the act in a play, sets up the character for an adventure and gives the character a reason to fight for a goal.  The second film, like a second act, gives the protagonist a serious challenge and clouds his/her judgement with doubt and despair.  Sure enough, that would mean that the third film would resolve the problem in an epic and spectacular fashion and end the series, but still keeps the tone rather dark and brooding.  But this doesn't happen.  In fact, it has never happened.  The films wrap things up in an eloquent bow that shatters all that made the first films good and sugarcoats an otherwise grim and mysterious legacy.

Before I begin, I need to make a few points.  First, here is a list of film sagas that won't be talked about in this list and a reason why:

1. Aladdin: While the first was brilliant, the second was lackluster.  The thrid was pretty good

2. Twilight: No, just no.

3. Star Wars prequels: Instead of following this pattern, they went Bad--> Horrible--> Okay

4. Harry Potter: All of these films are okay.  One is not better than the other, except for Order of the Phoenix, which is awful.

5. The Godfather: While part 3 is weak, the first is much better than the second.

And second, I want to make this perfectly clear.  I do not hate any of these movies.  Not at all.  In fact, I like all of the films that will be listed.  I just believe that they failed to capture any of the magic that the previous films in the saga got.  With all that said, let us journey into what it truly means to suffer from Return of the Jedi syndrome. 

1. Return of the Jedi (1983)

What was released in 1983 was not even close to what was supposed to be released as the successor to The Empire Strikes Back.  According to producer Gary Kurtz, Return of the Jedi was much darker and ended on much more of a bittersweet note.  While the Empire is indeed beaten, many of the members of the Rebellion, chiefly Han Solo, die while fighting the Empire.  Luke, like in the essence of a western, was to "ride off into the sunset" as the last of the Jedi, despite both Darth Vader and the Emperor being gone.  Leia struggles to unite the galaxy as a new Republic, and there was much more despair and tragedy, something that would not only give the Star Wars saga the ending it deserved, but the ending it needed.  But, alas, the greatest Jedi of them all fell to the Dark Side.  But not of the Force, but of Hollywood  Somewhere along the line, George Lucas got the feeling that people around the world had stopped caring about the adventure and only wanted to see special effects and in Kurtz's words 

"The toy business began to drive the [Lucasfilm] empire. It's a shame. They make three times as much on toys as they do on films. It's natural to make decisions that protect the toy business but that's not the best thing for making quality films."

Kurtz left after The Empire Strikes Back premiered, and thus brought about an end to the wonder and shocking aura of Star Wars.  Driven by the sales of toys and eager to expand into the children market, Lucas re-wrote Return of the Jedi into what it is now, a lighthearted finale to the Star Wars saga, combining teddy bears and predictable subplots with a flashy lightsaber duel and strong morals.  But it was a harbinger for things to come, as the prequel trilogy has alienated much of Lucas's true fans and ultimately drove his dream product into Disney's hands. 

 
2. The Dark Knight Rises

 Following the darkest and most challenging film in comic book history, Christopher Nolan released the final chapter in his Batman legacy.  It suffered from superhero cliche, a distinct lack of Bruce Wayne in the suit, and an M. Night Shyamalan plot twist that still makes people scratch their heads.  Basically, with the return of the League of Shadows and making Bane a servant of Ra's Al Ghul, it circumvents everything that happened in the previous film, from Harvey Dent's fall to the Joker's terror run on the city.  In fact, the Joker is not even mentioned in the film, despite being the sole reason that Dent was corrupted in the first place.  The only things from the last film that are mentioned are Batman taking down the SWAT team, and how Commissioner Jim Gordon fabricated the lie to preserve Dent's legacy. 

Rises also transforms Bane into a puppet and making the main villain Talia Al Ghul, which shatters Bane's presence and makes an otherwise chilling Tom Hardy performance lackluster.  There was no reason at all for the main villain of the film to be a girl we've never met.  If there really was supposed to be a stunning plot twist, it should have been that Ra's was revived from his Lazarus pit but was too weak to fulfill his duty to destroy Gotham.  But from what we got as a final film villain, WEAK!!!!!

 3. Toy Story 3

Toy Story 2 had arguably the most significant message to give that any Pixar film had ever had.  While Woody and Buzz both know and are willing to accept that Andy will grow up one day, they are willing to enjoy all the time they have left with him and will stick together no matter what.  The second the main part of this film began, with all of the toys panicking and quickly assuming that Andy was going to trash them despite him not throwing them out at any point in the last few years (which most people do with their toys when they grow up if not donated), I felt very uneasy and uncomfortable.  And in essence, this alone hurt my opinion of the film.

It was easy to say that Pixar went into an era from 2008-2010 that they were searching to put a film on the same pedestal as Beauty and the Beast.  This made films like Wall-e and Up much darker than previous films and unintentionally made Beast less special.  As for this film, the dark tone was upped to an unnecessarily high level that included evil pyramid schemes, Buzz acting like a douche again, and of course, Mr. Incinerator.  Was this really needed?  Did we need to have the toys go to a dump and nearly get torched?  The 3-dimensional Lotso was interesting, as was Woody meeting a new kid, but was the other dark stuff really needed?  Um...........NO!

4. Return of the King 

Maybe it's just me, but I always viewed Saruman as the main villain of the series.  Why?  Because we never knew Sauron.  We never knew him because we never saw him.  I never viewed Sauron as threatening because we only see the orcs following his orders, or a ton of buildup that never pays off.  Saruman is the main villain in my eyes, because we actually see him tempted by power and succumbing to the darkness in his heart.  So by seeing that the White Wizard was hardly acknowledged in the theatrical cut, this really annoyed me. 

The film is very over the top and bizarre.  Denethor is a psychopath, Frodo and Sam are overly emotional, Elrond remains under emotional and the rest of the film is at best tolerable.  Elijah Wood's performance continues to deteriorate, and as for those stupid eagles?  No, just no.


Return of the Jedi syndrome is expanding and will continue to infect film sagas.  While we can hope that other films will find an antidote to this disease, it's going to take a while.  And while the previously mentioned films are not entirely bad, they do suffer from having an unbearable amount of pressure on them to be perfect.  They did the best they can, and are still not awful movies.