Chapter 4 (KAIRI): The Fairest in the Land

Chapter 4: The Fairest in the Land

        The castle that had once belonged to the Evil Queen was a dreary place.  Vines and cobwebs had sprung up in places that were once fraught with people and things going on.  Kairi took notice of this as she walked through the vine covered gates and began to search for the specter that had threatened Snow White.  According to the dwarfs, Kairi thought to herself, the Queen disappeared a long time ago.  But how can she be brought back, unless Maleficent wanted to turn her into a Heartless?  Kairi gulped nervously as the next thought crept into her head.  Or worse.  What if Xehanort was the one who sent her out?

        Kairi looked up towards one of the castle's tallest towers, specifically towards the tower where a balcony jutted out from.  She peered above and thought she could see a woman standing over her, glaring at the young warrior as she studied the situation.  But when Kairi blinked, the woman had vanished.  "I must be losing it.  The Queen has got to be a Heartless.  Didn't Sora say that the ghost of Scar was just another Heartless?"  Spying a tunnel deep in the corner of the courtyard, Kairi hurried along inside.  

        

       No sooner had she entered into the tunnel that she found herself surrounded by more Heartless.  "I guess the Heartless have been busy of late."

Defeat All of the Heartless!

        As Kairi finished off the final Shadow, she turned down the dungeon path and found a gated door, from which behind the gate, she saw stairs leading likely to her destination.  "Ugh!  How do I get inside?  There isn't a Keyhole, anywhere."  She looked and saw a gate wench connected to a series of pulley cables.  "Great.  I didn't expect the Queen to make it easy to get to her."  Kairi walked over to the pulleys and put away her Keyblade.  

Open the Gates with the Pulley System!

        The final pulley rope slid up and out of Kairi's sight, finally bringing the gates up to their natural position.  Kairi nodded, content with herself, and dashed up the stairs and into the next part of the castle.  Kairi opened a door to her left and found a secret lab full of potions, spell books, and all sorts of alchemic and sorcery tools and devices.  Kairi walked over to the tomes that were the least dust covered, which sat atop a desk along with a few test tubes and vials.  The first tome was opened to a page that spoke about the creation of an old hag disguise.  The second spoke of a poisoned apple that could make someone fall into a sleep like death.  

       Kairi turned towards another doorway that led to a winding staircase.  "This has got to be the way into the Queen's Chambers!"  Determined more than ever to protect her new friends, Kairi vaulted up the steps.  

        Kairi soon found herself in a chamber with drawn curtains that showed cosmic shapes and patterns, such as stars and moons.  To the center of the vast and empty marble chamber, was a jewel encrusted mirror.  The young warrior felt herself drawn to the mirror.  She ascended two steps and stood in front of the mirror, at first only able to see herself.  But, after a brief moment of just staring, the mirror flashed with a bolt of lightning and from within a wall of flame, A face appeared within the mirror.  But not a human face.  The face looked like a mask, without eyes or virtually any other visible human features.  

        "What wouldst thou now, my child?" the specter asked.

        "What are you?" Kairi asked, too stunned to summon her Keyblade.

        "To the child that stands before me now, I answer questions, this I vow" the spirit spoke in a very ominous tone.  "To the Queen of this castle, of whom I once served, objects of greater beauty, I was forced to observe."

         "So, you will answer any question I want to know?" Kairi asked.  

         The mirror simply looked at the girl, it's melancholy mood unwavering.  

        Kairi took a deep breath.  "Where are my friends, Sora and Riku?"

        "If it is Riku you seek, you needn't threat or shove, for his journey takes him to the stars above.  Though Sora's journey started out nice, he now faces danger in a kingdom of ice."  

        Kairi nodded.  "At least they're okay.  Now, what exactly is the Queen?"

        "The specter you seek, take my words drawn to mark, is nothing but a creature, made all from the dark.  A shadow bent to disrupt and bring plight, upon the Princess of Heart, Snow White.  He appeared from the shadows, my words he wouldn't heed, for this man had in his mind a most wicked deed.  To vanquish the Princess this much is true, but now not Snow White, his new target is you!"

        Kairi gasped.  "What?"  Before Kairi could react, the Magic Mirror shined brightly and absorbed her powers within.  The Spirit of the Mirror vanished and revealed the face of the Wicked Queen, who cackled violently as she followed Kairi into the darkness.  

        Kairi found herself in a dark dimension and surrounded by nothing but an empty void.  Kairi stared towards the center of the void and found the specter of the Queen, who glared at her with almost as much contempt as she did Snow White before.  "You are indeed of the same ilk as Snow White.  That man from the shadows spoke of your arrival.  A heart of your kind of light is not needed in my kingdom!  Away with you!"  

        Kairi summoned her Keyblade and prepared for her offensive.  "I don't know or care who sent you!  I'm just here to make sure you never bother anyone in my world ever again!"  Kairi lunged forward as the Queen summoned her legions of Heartless.  

Boss Battle: The Evil Queen

HP: 200

NOTE: Keep your focus on the Queen.  Don't bother with her Heartless lackeys.

Battle Music: Vim and Vigor

GET BONUS:

Kairi: +5 HP

        The Queen's specter vanished into the shadows.  But before Kairi could celebrate her victory, her heartless horde joined with her, revealing the Queen to have been nothing more than another Heartless.  A huge Wyvern-like Heartless emerged from the shadows and roared a terrifying roar.  With it's roar, the room shook violently and several cracks appeared in the chamber.  Kairi noticed the glass in the mirror beginning to crack.  

       "If I can't beat this thing, I'll never make it back to the real world!" Kairi exclaimed as she stared down the dragon monster that roared above her.  Kairi lunged forward as the beast prepared it's onslaught.

Boss Battle: Giga Wyvern

HP: 350

NOTE: Use Thunder attacks to defeat this aerial opponent!

Battle Music: Desire for All That is Lost

GET BONUS:

Kairi Learned Energy Ball

Kairi Obtained the Fire Element

        The chamber shined once more with light as it allowed Kairi to tumble out of the Magic Mirror.  Before Kairi could brace for her Heartless adversary to follow her, the Magic Mirror cracked and shattered.  A gust of powerful wind knocked her back as the mirror's shattered glass shards vanished into the darkness.  The young Keyblade warrior rose to her feet as she realized she was finally alone.  She didn't feel as content as she had before.  She felt fatigued and tired.  I guess this is how Sora and Riku feel after completing missions.  But I can rest later!  I have to check on Snow White and the others.  Kairi allowed the light to absorb her Keyblade as she dashed back out towards the Courtyard.  

Kairi Obtained the Diamond's Crest Keychain

STR: 0

MAG: +4

Ability:

Drastically Raises Defense in a Pinch

        Kairi walked out of the tunnel, far happier to see the sun than she'd ever thought she would be.  The dark and dank dungeons of the Queen had given her farm more to worry about than she'd hoped for.  As had the appearance of an unexpected friend, who stood near the entrance to the Courtyard.  

        "Snow White?" Kairi asked as she hurried towards the princess.  

         Snow White turned and clasped her hands together happily as she saw Kairi running to her in one piece.  "I'm so happy you're alright" she exclaimed.  "When we hadn't heard from you, the others started to worry.  But I am glad I was the one who came to see you."

        "You came by yourself?" Kairi asked. 

        The princess nodded.  "My friends said we could have our little reunion when all of this had passed.  And with you being here in one piece, I guess that gives us the opportunity to reschedule our party.  You are more than welcome to join us, if you wish."  

        Kairi sighed.  "That's a tempting offer, but I have to keep going.  Sora and the King are counting on me to keep the light in all of our worlds safe.  And with you and your friends safe, I guess that closes the chapter on my need to be here."  Kairi looked down towards her hand.  The Keyblade appeared in her hands and created a portal of light in the sky above the two Princesses of Heart.  Kairi felt herself being pulled in to the portal.  Snow White reached for her, but she too was pulled into the light.  "What's going on?"

       "Don't worry, Kairi" a sprightly voice called to her.  "We've got the situation under control."  Kairi and Snow White nodded as the portal carried them away from the Dwarf Woodlands.  

Chapter 3 (KAIRI): Dopey's Wild Mine

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Chapter 3 (Kairi): Dopey's Wild Mine

        As Kairi and Dopey arrived at the entrance to the Dwarfs Mine, they found the gates sealed shut with a massive keyhole jutting out from it.  Dopey rushed forward and tried to push the doors open, but stumbled when he couldn't get the door to budge.  Defeated, he stepped away and looked to Kairi with a distressed look on his face.  

        Kairi shook her head, with an amused look on her face.  "Let me handle this, Dopey."  Kairi called forth her Keyblade, and in one swift movement, a beam of light stretched from the flower tipped weapon and the gates to the mine opened without hesitation.  The young maiden stretched back and smiled.  "And Sora and Riku told me this was a thankless job."  She turned back to Dopey and smiled.  "We should be able to save your friends, now."
        Dopey jumped for joy and skipped his way inside.  Kairi followed seconds later, but before she could further entertain her victory, the door to the mine resealed itself.  She spun backwards and gulped as she realized how she and Dopey were also now trapped within the mine.
        A high pitched cackling shivered Kairi's spine as the small dwarf fell beside her and clutched at her skirt.  "Who's there?"
        "So close to rescuing the dwarfs, yet so far now, from saving Snow White" a harsh female voice sneered in the shadows.  "You, Keyblade bearer, have allowed me free access to the heart of that wretched princess.  And for that, I thank you."
        Dopey, upon recognizing the voice, pulled his cap over his head and dove into a pile of logs and hid beneath them.
        "Maleficent?" Kairi asked, angling her Keyblade to a defensive stance.
        "That name is of no consequence to me, child" the voice continued.  "Besides, you should worry more about the wellbeing of you and your dwarf friends long before you know about me.  I'd like to see you delude yourself into thinking you can somehow save the day."
        Kairi looked up to the ceiling and shook her head.  "I don't need to delude myself.  A Keyblade warrior's job is to always protect the light.  And if you are one of the villains who seeks to disrupt the light, then I won't have a choice.  I'll have to stop you.  And you won't hurt Snow White, either."
        "Bold words from a child so new to the realm of heroism"the voice taunted.  "You will not be able to escape from the mines again without the aid of your dwarf friends.  And I suggest you find them soon.  Who knows when Snow White will come along right into my trap?"
        Kairi looked ahead down the dark tracks that led deep into the Dwarfs Diamond Mine.  "How am I going to get to the dwarfs without a cart?"  A rattling sound caused Kairi to throw herself out of the way of a passing mine cart.  Dopey had commandeered the vessel and sent it hurtling towards the shadows.  "Dopey?  Wait!"
        Kairi raced over to the mine cart and hopped alongside Dopey, who nervously steered the cart along the tracks, looking from side to side to see if he could find one of the dwarfs.  Kairi also joined in on the watching, until several raven-like Heartless appeared in the air above them and darted towards the mine cart.  One struck one of the wheels and almost knocked the cart off track.  Kairi struck it down with her Keyblade, but watched nervously as more flew above them, their eyes fixed on destruction.

Protect the Mine Cart from the Heartless

GET BONUS:

Kairi Learned Treasure Magnet

        The last raven was scared off by a thunderous sound that rang out in the mine.  The raven vanished into the shadows as the destructive sneezing continued.  Dopey used the handbrake on the cart and stopped in front of a dwarf, who wheezed and sounded stuffy as he breathed.  "Don't suppose you have room for a--a--ACHOO!"  Kairi jumped back from the force of the sneeze as Sneezy hopped into the mine cart.  "Thanks.  I think I saw Bashful and Happy by our ruby lanes."

        "Then it's the ruby lanes next, Dopey" Kairi exclaimed.  "Hurry!"  

        Dopey shifted the brake to allow the cart to move again.  As the cart whirred down the tracks, it was almost knocked off course by a large rounded heartless that stood in the way.  Kairi aimed her Keyblade at the dark being and obliterated it with one bolt of lightning.  Another Large Body appeared and tackled the mine cart, but this caused it to vault ahead at an uncontrollable speed.  Kairi grabbed ahold of the cart as it sped down a steep hill.  

        

        Back at the cottage, Grumpy stood in front of Snow White, who had just recently arrive, as Heartless cornered the two.  "Get yerself inside, Princess!  This is no place fer ya to be!"  

       Snow White gasped.  "But Grumpy?  What about you?"

        Grumpy grinned.  "Let's just say ol' Grumpy's got a few tricks up his sleeve!  Now go!  And don't you be coming out until the others return?  Got it?"  

       The princess nodded and disappeared behind the doors of the Dwarf Cottage.  Grumpy cracked his knuckles as the Heartless encircled him.  Grumpy remained confident, until a shadowy specter appeared around him as well.  The spirit of the Wicked Queen smirked as Grumpy grabbed a pick-ax and prepared to defend himself.  

        "You have courage, Master Dwarf" the Queen snarled.  "But not enough brains to know when you are outclassed.  Stand aside, and allow me to finish what I started a long time ago."  

        Dopey stopped the Mine Cart as they spotted Happy, Doc and Bashful still mining some ruby's out of the shimmering walls of the ruby lane.  Kairi hopped out and hurried over to the dwarfs.  Happy turned around and greeted her.  "Hello, deary.  What can we do for you?"

        Kairi nodded.  "It's nice to meet you, Happy.  I'm Kairi.  I'm a friend of Snow White's.  I'm here to get you and the others out of the mine to meet with her."

        Happy scratched his head.  "We're supposed to meet Snow White, today?"

        Bashful stopped mining and walked up to his fellow dwarf.  "Gosh, I thought that was supposed to be tomorrow.  With all the Heartless running around, I just hope she makes it all right."

       "Let's go and meet her then" Doc exclaimed.  Dopey tugged at his shoulder with a worried expression on his face.  "Oh no!  That's right.  We need to find Sleepy too.  I wonder where he is."  

        "We've looked all over the mine" Kairi said searchingly.  "Where else could he be?"

        "Sleepy always likes to bake traps--duh I mean--take naps near the entrance.  He's got to be there."

        "Then let's go!" Kairi shouted as the Dwarfs all piled into the mine cart.  

        Kairi looked ahead as the mine cart finally arrived back in the entrance, only to find a massive raven-like Heartless soaring above them and screeching violently.  The dwarfs ducked into the cart as their Keyblade guardian leapt out into the line of fire.  "Back off!"

        Defeat The Heartless

Boss Battle: Archaven

HP: 310

NOTE: Use Thunder based attacks to defeat this aerial opponent

Battle Music: Extreme Encounters

GET BONUS:

Kairi Learned Wishing Edge

+5 HP 

        Kairi lowered her Keyblade as the Archaven vanished into the shadows.  As she heaved a sigh of relief, she heard a loud snoring noise near the entrance to the mine.  She peered ahead and saw the dwarf sleeping near the entrance.  "Sleepy!"

        Sleepy yawned loudly and looked towards the group.  "Did I miss something?  Is it nap time, yet?"

        "No one takes naps around here except for you" Doc grumbled.  "What are you doing wheezing--duh I mean--sleasing--duh I mean--sleeping on the job?  Don't you know you're supposed to keep a look out for all them monsters?"

        "Haven't seen any monsters, Doc" Sleepy drooped.  "But I do think I saw something that looked like the Queen here in the mines, before.  But I coulda been dreaming."

        "THE QUEEN?" the other dwarfs gasped.  Dopey found his old hiding space beneath the logs and resumed his position.  

        "What's this about a Queen?" Kairi asked, wondering why they were afraid of some monarch

        Happy sighed.  "The Queen was Snow White's stepmother and a mean ol' witch.  She was horrible jealous of Snow White's beauty.  So, after she sent some hoodlum out to hurt her, she changed into an old hag and gave her a poisoned apple.  Only the quick work and thinking of a young woman and Snow White's prince was able to keep Snow White's heart from sinking into darkness."

        "But if the Queen is back" Bashful gasped, "doesn't that mean Snow White's in trouble at the cottage?"

        "Then we have to stop her" Kairi proclaimed.

        "But your just a mild--duh--a child" Doc reasoned.  "The Queen may be too powerful for you to handle, my dear."  

        "I have to try" she explained, holding the Keyblade in her hand.  "I am a chosen wielder of the Keyblade.  I have to protect the light."  

        The Queen stood over Grumpy, darkness pouring from her shadowy form.  "I grow tired of this you pitiful fool!  If you are so bent on protecting Snow White, then you can JOIN HER!"  She fired a bolt of lightning at the dwarf knocking him backwards.  The Queen set her eyes on the cottage, until she noticed Kairi leading the rest of the dwarfs down the path.  "Hmph!  It's time for me to alter my plans.  But mark my words, dwarfs!  I will return for Snow White!"  With that, the Queen vanished into the shadows.  Her Heartless followed her and went deep into the bowels of the haunted forest.  

        Kairi skidded to a stop as the Queen vanished.  "We're too late."

        "What're ya talking about?" Grumpy asked, hunched over.  "Yer right on time!"

        Snow White opened the door of the cottage and hurried to Grumpy's side.  "Oh, Grumpy.  Thank you for saving my life."  

        "Fergit it!" he answered grumpily.  "What are we gonna do about that Queen?"

        "She'll stop at nothing to get to the princess" Doc exclaimed.  "We've got to keep her safe!"

        "But how?" Bashful groaned.  "She's in her castle full of magic and monsters.  We can't just barge in on her."

        Kairi looked at the distraught faces on the dwarfs and Snow White and sighed.  "I'll go.  The Queen doesn't frighten me.  And if I can find a way to stop her, you can have your reunion in peace."

       Snow White clasped her hands together.  "Oh, but Kairi.  It's much too dangerous for you."

       "I'll say, Red" Grumpy scowled.  "The Queen's a witch.  Not many who trifle with her make it out in one peace.  I'd steer clear from this one."  

       "But Kairi is the only one who can stop the Heartless" Sneezy reasoned.  

       Snow White looked at Kairi and was surprised by the sheer confidence she emitted.  The princess cautiously nodded.  "Please, be careful.  I wouldn't want anything horrible to happen to you."

       Kairi patted her chest proudly.  "Nothing will happen to me, princess.  I'll be back soon!"  Kairi turned from the Dwarf Cottage and took off after the Heartless.

Top 5 Least Awful and Most Awful Disney DTV Sequels...

I've owed you guys this list for almost a year now, and I apologize for keeping it away for so long.  To be perfectly honest, I had completely forgotten about these festering piles of mucus a long time ago.  Until I was doing some inventory on the site here, and I noticed that I had indeed reviewed these turds.  I remember I was unusually kind to most of these films.  While some are pretty decent (well, as decent as DTV Disney Films can be), most ruin the original films and even worse, ruin generations of children for years to come.

In case you are new to the site, here is a one word answer for how I felt about each of these "delightful" returning trips to kingdoms of wonder and enchantment:

The Return of Jafar: Tolerate
Aladdin and the King of Thieves: Love
Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin: WTF?
Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas: HATE!
Pocahontas 2: Journey to a New World: Okay
The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride: Okay
The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea: HATE!
Lady and the Tramp 2: Scamp's Adventure: Meh
The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2: HATE!
Cinderella 2: Dreams Come True: DEATH!
Return to Neverland: Ugh
The Jungle Book 2: Despise!
The Lion King 1 1/2: HATE!
Mulan 2: HATE!
Tarzan 2: Meh
Lilo and Stitch 2: Stitch has a Glitch: Like
Bambi 2: Meh
Kronk's New Groove: Meh
Brother Bear 2: Okay
The Fox and the Hound 2: HATE!
Cinderella 3: A Twist in Time: Fine
The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning: Fine

Most of the films are pretty meh and we can ignore as a good time waster for children.  But there are a certain few that make my job as a critic so much harder than it should be.  And there are also films that I allow to exist and some I even actually...like...

But let's start with the crappy ones first.  The ultimate list of Disney DTV films that should die and never be brought back for anything outside of if Disney decides to make an animated movie on "How NOT to make a sequel"...starting with...

TOP FIVE MOST AWFUL DISNEY DTV SEQUELS

Dis-Honorable Mentions:

Cinderella 2: Dreams Come True
The Lion King 1 1/2
Return to Neverland
The Jungle Book 2



5. The Fox and the Hound 2 


Words cannot begin to describe how much I hate this movie.  It absolutely demolished a film that I actually really liked as a kid.  It gave me a reason to hate everything that was Disney from 2005-2008.  It's superfluous to the overall story of the original film, it creates tension in a situation where we KNOW nothing will change, and it gives a movie I loved as a child the "Hick" treatment.  None of the decent side characters return and there is next to nothing in this film worthwhile for your children.  Steer clear from this nonsense.  It's awful.  Just...awful...

4. Mulan II

You'd have to work really, I mean REALLY hard to ruin the only salvagable thing about the first film aside from the animation (which is actually pretty good in this film).  But Mulan was the only thing I liked about the first film and as a result, I went into this film with the same expectations.  My God...this movie ruined Mulan to the point of me feeling dirty for giving any praise to the first film.  She pushes her ideas and beliefs on three innocent princesses and convinced them to marry for love (even though the alliance between their kingdoms would fall apart and China would be overrun by the Mongols).  Plus, I never thought a single movie could make me hate Mushu more than I already did...I gotta stop underestimating the power of the Dark Side...

3. The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea

It also takes a lot of guts to replicate the formula for the original film (no joke, almost point for point aside from a love interest) and pass it off as an original idea.  I'm not even kidding.  This is the exact quote, word for word, that the announcer used in the promo for this film:

"Get ready for a story unlike any other..."

SUCK MY BALLS, DISNEY!  Seriously, the only thing that kept this film from ranking Number 1 is the animation, which still isn't something to brag about.  This movie physically hurts me to even think about it.  Please, for the sake of all mankind, destroy every single copy of this movie you can find!  We must save future generations from this evil abomination onto our world.

2. The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2

This movie haunts my every waking thought.  It's so goddamn awful that I want to find every single person associate with this film (aside from Haley Joel Osment if he's still voicing Sora in KH III) and kick them in the balls with a steel toe boot.  This movie adds things to movie that didn't need things added and lightened the tone of the original film to such a disgusting level, that I feel like Frieza at the beginning of Dragonball: Resurrection.  It gives Quasimodo a characterless love interest, a villain who has got to be the secret love child of Captain Hook and Prince John, and quite possibly the ugliest animation in an animated film I have had the dishonor of seeing in a long time.  This movie needs to be studied by all future animators.  Except for that reason, this film should never see the light of day again.  And NO!  I will not buy The Hunchback of Notre Dame on Blu Ray if I have to by this shit too, Disney!  SCREW YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU REPRESENT!

1. Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas

Why?  Why Disney?  What did we do to you?  We gave you money.  We gave you our time and our patience and our undying fandom.  We gave you our childhoods.  Why did you reward our faith and love with this?  Why do I have to hear about this movie every single Christmas when we decorate our house?  Why does this movie need to exist?  Are you still mad no one went to go see Pocahontas?

What can I say about a film that poisoned my own childhood?  A film that started this line of piss poor sequels.  The Return of Jafar may have been the first in this line, but it definitely wasn't the first bad one!  It kept the tone of the original film and it's only major flaws are no Robin Williams and disgusting animation.  This was the film that doomed our futures and our wallets.  A film that just needs to go away.  I never want to believe this film will exist again.



Can we get to the tolerable ones?  We can?  YAY!


TOP FIVE LEAST AWFUL DISNEY DTV SEQUELS

Honorable Mentions:

Lilo and Stitch 2: Stitch has a Glitch
Brother Bear 2
The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning


5. The Return of Jafar

This one isn't nearly as bad as some people say it is.  It's got the same charm and humor of the original film (minus one key actor), and is still exciting and fun enough to keep kids and adults entertained.  Unlike other films, this sequel does not recycle the plot of the original film and instead focuses on two characters: Jafar and Iago.  While Jafar gets all of the flashy powers and best lines, Iago actually has to carry most of the picture comedically and emotionally by himself, as Aladdin and Jasmine have personality drained from them and although he tries, Dan Castellanetta is no Robin Williams.

Nevertheless, the film still manages to recapture some of the magic of the first film and does do the character of Jafar serious justice while also telling a story all of it's own.  It's an average film, not a good one, but we're not looking for good here...

4. The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride

I've never truly known how to feel about this film.  While it does hold true to the tone of the original film, it's still much much weaker than the original film.  Zira is without a doubt one of the most overrated villains (though I do like her), the songs can be very grating on your ears, and while a majority of the original cast returns, the film doesn't exactly give much for them to do.  Aside from Simba and Rafiki, most either fall into cameo category or less than stellar comic relief (I'm looking at you Timon and Pumbaa).  While it isn't too good a film, on the other hand, I can't say it's bad.  We do manage to care for both Kiara and Kovu, despite their cookie cutter personalities, and it's nice to see the rivalry between Mufasa and Scar pass down to their loved ones.  A Romeo and Juliet story if there ever was one...

3. Cinderella 3: A Twist in Time




Who in their right mind would green-light this idea?  Cinderella's stepmother gets ahold of the Fairy Godmother's wand and goes back in time to ruin her stepdaughter's happily ever after.  Seriously, who said this was a good idea?

Well, I guess I have to say thank you.  This film was an absolute godsend released after that disgusting abomination mentioned above starring a fox and a hound.  But don't get me wrong.  The idea is stupid.  The songs are gross.  The mice are in this movie FAR more than anyone wanted.  But then, you have Anastasia as a well rounded sidekick character, the Prince actually having a personality (though as small as it is), the Stepmother remaining as evil as ever, and Cinderella finally becomes a seriously proactive character in the plot.  The animation is great.  What else can I say about a film I had ZERO expectations for that stunned me this much?

2. Pocahontas 2: Journey to a New World

Aside from the animation and the songs, this film is a serious improvement over the first film, for many reasons.  The first would be the fact that the heroine-villain chemistry is actually existent in this film, as Ratcliffe and Pocahontas never spoke to one another in the film.  Now, they are both able to despise and torment each other at will.  But there's more.  The side characters are a lot more memorable and Billy FUCKING Zane is a far more memorable lead than Mel Gibson was as John Smith.  This film is quite an interesting film and one that I would reccomend for you all to watch,  It may not be a seriously good film, but it's definitely one worth exploring.  You may not regret it.

1. Aladdin and the King of Thieves 

It's very rare that one person could make a significant difference in the quality of the film.  Were it not for Robin Williams mercurial performance as the Genie in this final installment in the Aladdin trilogy, this would probably be down a bit more on this list (maybe four or three).  But there is more to like about this film than just the Genie.  John Rhys Davies plays Aladdin's father and he is a nice addition to the cast, as is Jerry Orbach's rendition of Saluk.  Aladdin is a much more engaging character than he was in The Return of Jafar and although Jasmine once more plays a supportive role, in this film it's understandable as this was a family matter altogether.  Nevertheless, this was without a doubt one of the videotapes I broke as a kid because I watched it so much.  I love this movie almost as much as I do many normal Disney films.  It's one of the most successful home video releases for a reason.

Film Review #114: Shrek 2

I hold the original Shrek with more nostalgia than I do think of it as an actually excellent comedy.  Sure it offers a couple of really funny moments, but I think I laugh more for the nostalgia than I do for it actually being funny nowadays.  Plus, you have to know that in 2004, it was almost impossible to make a sequel to a comedy film any good.  There were almost no good comedy sequels made in almost all of the years of Hollywood.

And then Shrek 2 came along.  I can honestly say I don't think have never enjoyed a comedy as much as I enjoy this one.  This film is one of the singular funniest movies I have ever seen and without a doubt the funniest animated movie I have ever seen.  Every joke hits a bullseye and every reference works to sheer perfection even eleven years after the film first premiered in theaters.  This is the perfect example of a good comedy.  And it signaled that DreamWorks could not only contend with Pixar for the long haul, but also could make films that could stand alongside them and have no shame in it.

Plot: Newlywed Shrek and Fiona return from their honeymoon, only to find Donkey had been living there ever since.  Before they can send him away for good, the couple finds that they have been summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away, where Fiona's parents hope to meet their son in-law and bless their marriage.  Shrek reluctantly agrees to travel to a new country, where he finds the exact reaction he expected, derision.  The King (John Cleese) especially dislikes that Shrek had married Fiona and kept her in her ogre form.  His and Shrek's feud brings about the arrival of Fiona's Fairy Godmother, who is also surprised by this turn of events.  Shrek and Fiona feud, until Fiona storms off.

As it turns out, the Fairy Godmother was in league with the King in order to have her son, Prince Charming, marry Fiona and become king in the future.  But when she had married Shrek, the Fairy Godmother wants the King to kill Shrek and fix this mistake from happening again.  This makes the King send an assassin by the name of Puss and Boots (Antonio Banderas) to kill him, but Shrek and Puss befriend each other instead, as Puss and Boots takes Shrek to the Fairy Godmother's "magic factory" to see if there was a way to make Fiona happy.  This brings them to find the "Happily Ever After" potion, which would make one take the perfect form of their true love.

The potion turns Shrek and Fiona into humans and Donkey into a horse, but this makes the Fairy Godmother trick Shrek into thinking the potion brought Fiona back to be with Prince Charming, causing a dejected Shrek to leave the kingdom.  But the King gets cold feet and tries to break off the plan, especially when she wants him to make Fiona fall in love with Charming by drinking a love potion.  Overhearing this, Shrek leaves with his friends to wage a great battle for Fiona's love.

What's Bad: The only flaw I can find with this movie is that this film is not one of those films that can be watched multiple times in a week span or so.  This is because you eventually run out of laughs and joy and it will become stale after a while.  Watch this comedic masterpiece in moderation, my friends.

What's Good?: I think this is one of the first cases since Toy Story 2 where the second film is leaps and bounds better than the original.  It's funnier, more heartfelt, more action packed, and far less cheesy with it's romance.  The Fairy Godmother is an especially cruel villain in this movie, knowing how to manipulate and control people without using much of her power.  She reminds me of the perfect crossbreed between Ursula and Lady Tremaine.

The pop cultural references still resonate with a contemporary audience even to this day, with some good natured jabs at Entertainment Tonight, Starbucks, and a narcisstic look into celebrity marriages which I think still holds great appeal even today.  It shows how far our society HASN'T gone...

Fiona's parents are also pretty damn brilliant.  Julie Andrews (Mary Poppins) is the Queen and she is probably the perfect mother in law a guy could ask for, as she seems to approve of Shrek despite his "ogreness".  This is in stark contrast to the King, who despises Shrek for his own reasons (reasons I won't spoil because it is a good plot twist later in the movie).  But both definitely seem to want what is best for Fiona, even though their interpretation and her interpretation are vastly different.

Overall: Shrek 2 is a comedic gem in all of it's wonders and really set the bar ridiculously high for all future DreamWorks movies, a bar in which it would take a decent amount of time for them to reach again.  Nevertheless, this is still a good movie and one that should be watched for generations to come.

Final Grade: 96 or A

Film Review #113: Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas

Most of the stories written in "A Thousand and One Nights" are very difficult to bring to the big screen, at least successfully.  Especially when the stories are made with a modern audience in mind.  Aladdin worked because not only was it made in the tradition of many other classic animated movies, but it also had warmth, charm, and delight in the environment the animators created with it.

But of all of the most famous stories in the famed Arabian folklore novels, "Sinbad" was quite possibly the hardest to pull off.  It's very difficult to make a character like Sinbad likable to a general audience, especially when your studio relies so heavily on rooting for the underdog.  Protagonists like Hiccup, Po, and Shrek manage to work for DreamWorks because they are labeled as they underdog and they work with it.  Sinbad was never the underdog, always full of himself, and way too arrogant to ever be considered likable by any mainstream animation fan.  Disney could have pulled this movie off.  DreamWorks?  Well...


Plot: Sinbad (Brad Pitt) is a brash pirate off on adventures to seek treasure and fortune.  One of his particular targets is the famous "Book of Peace", which is being escorted to Italy by Sinbad's old friend, Prince Proteus (Joseph Fiennes).  This leads Sinbad to encounter Eris, the Greek Goddess of Discord and Chaos.  Eris (Michelle Pfeiffer) offers Sinbad anything he wanted in exchange for the book, but fail to do so.  So the goddess takes on the form of Sinbad and steals the book herself, framing Sinbad and having the people in Italy blame him and want him to pay for his actions.

Sinbad is only spared because Proteus agrees to take his place, and could only be saved if Sinbad could recover the Book from Eris.  Teaming up with Proteus's fiance Marina (Catherine Zeta-Jones), Sinbad encounters monsters and all sorts of obstacles on his way to rescuing his friend, while also realizing more about himself in the process.

What's Wrong?: Sinbad: The Legend of the Seven Seas is one of those famous animated films made between 1997-2005 that was trying to please way too many people.  Instead of focusing on making the best animated film possible (like Pixar was), DreamWorks was working on pleasing people enough to make money.

For starters, Sinbad is not a hero we can root for.  He's way too arrogant and heroic to keep a mainstream audience clinging to and lacks much of the charisma and heart that had made so many of the other lead characters in animated movies so good.  This is not Brad Pitt's fault, as he has shown to have great charisma in many of his roles.  Personally, I think this is a writing flaw.  Not only in the movie, but also in the source material as well.

Eris is also another missed opportunity.  As the Goddess of Chaos and Discord, she should have been a good quality villain that could have evoked someone like Maleficent or Jafar.  But instead, she serves solely as a plot point to keep the movie going.  And when your villain isn't good enough to carry your picture and your lead isn't, who is?

I should also point out that the dialogue is way too modern in a movie like this.  Granted, this dialogue worked in something like Aladdin, which Katzenberg worked on, but it worked there because the characters and story had enough charm and simplicity to it that the dialogue could be glossed over, especially when the only two recognizable voices in the movie were two side characters (Robin Williams and Gilbert Gottfried).  But when you have Brad Pitt and Catherine Zeta-Jones in the same movie giving off this witty banter, it kind of falls out of place.

What's Good?: The animation is still above average.  And it was nice to see a quality traditionally animated film in a time when the best of those were made on television.  You can see that the animators knew the potential of the source material to have high adventures and escapades while battling many great monsters and powerful villains.  This film is very nice to watch...on mute.

Overall: This is not DreamWorks worst movie, but it is definitely the worst I've reviewed so far.  It lacks the emotional power of The Prince of Egypt, the charm of The Road to El Dorado and the great quality of animation in Spirit.  Still, I do like this movie, mostly for the animation.  IT's definitely not a terrible movie, but really nothing to special.  You can skip this one.

Final Grade: 75 or C